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| I have nothing to do with this but I'm cool! |
Oops, I missed a week, sorry! Stupid real life. I’m back on track in Bon Temps now though, and this week’s episode will be recapped tomorrow. Come into my time machine and travel to last week’s episode to catch up for now. *Queue TARDIS noises*
As Tara BBQs herself to well-done in a tanning booth, Pam arrives to save her since as maker she could sense her pain. Pam tries to pull Tara from the bed, but gets a handful of goo instead, and Tara looks like she’s just about done. She tries to fry herself some more, but Pam commands she never try it again, to which Tara opens the booth with a “goddammit!” I need that kind of power over people, just saying.
Outside of Merlotte’s, Lafayette confronts Sookie about her admission to Alcide regarding what actually happened to Debbie Pelt. He’s understandably pissed, although Sookie swears she never mentioned him and just wants to do the right thing. Laffie calls her the angel of death, and he’s right: her acting murders my soul every time she’s on screen.
Bill and Eric climb out of a trunk with their silly dominatrix harnesses on, and try to decide who let Russell escape. Salome is in another awesome robe, while Roman sits naked in bed, glorying in his moobies and Nora getting tortured via laptop. I prefer the latter, just saying. Roman asks Salome to get Nora to confess names of others involved in the Sanguinista movement, and she promises results.
Sookie busts in on Ryan at home, and confesses that she killed Debbie. Jason tells her to stfu (thank you!) and she tells him she's also confessed to Alcide. He refuses to take her into jail, asks who else knows what went down, and she names Lafayette. She also tells what happened to Tara, and explains that they had Pam turn Tara to keep her from dying. “I ruin people’s lives!” she laments. I’m sure you all see where this is going by now. She ruins mine each week. *rimshot*
Pam and Tara enter Fangtasia to find Eric sitting in his throne, and says “let bygones be bygones; bi-girls be bi-girls.” She should make this her house motto and her house sigil a gleaming pink tube of lipstick on a field of red. Oh wait, this isn’t Game of Thrones, so never mind. And there’s Bill to bring it all back to hobbit level. Eric questions Pam about Tara, and congratulates him on becoming a Pepaw. He doesn’t find this amusing and excuses the others.
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| Eat me! |
Tara and Bill sit in a closet and talk about vampy things, like impulses, makers, and Sookie (sigh). Tara is obviously pissed off at Sookie, and tells Bill he needs to stop giving two fangs about her, and that she’s safe because someone will always take a bullet for her, thanks to her magical Tinkerbell blood.
Back in the main room of Fangtasia, Eric kicks the shit out of Pam, accusing her of knowing where Russell is. This…this disappoints me. She laments the fact that she’s always been faithful and is hurt that he thinks she could betray her. She says that after a century they should trust each other, and if not, he should let her go. He seems to disagree which is pretty stupid. Pam is a bamf and has never done him wrong, so why decide to mistrust her now? He heads out to Bill to discuss, who suggests Nora as the culprit. They talk it over, and decide to go to ground and keep trying to discover the “leak”.
Damienpire/Alexander Drew is back at the Authority tracking Bill and Eric with the rest of the crew. They talk about turning the humans to their side, and then cut to Nora praying to Lilith, who they then zap like a mosquito. Dieter tells her to wake up since it was just a book written by someone who was “high the whole time”. Sharon Osbourne tells him to stop and that they shouldn’t disparage the “good book” despite that. Even though the Guardian may dislike what they’re discussing, he’s not present and they all get a giggle.
Andy and his ass are again the butt of Judge Clements’s jokes as he visits Andy at the station. He thanks him for getting his kid out of a ticket, and invites Andy and Jason for a night out on the town.
Two of Sam’s shifter friends show up at Merlotte’s much to his dismay, because they’re apparently worried that he won’t run naked in the woods again. Luna has also turned them down, so Sam accepts on the agreement they will meet later. Sookie, on waitress duty, is inundated by people thinking jerk thoughts about her. Not saying they were wrong, but no one needs to hear what everyone else is thinking about them. She has enough and hides in Sam’s office.
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| Lol you're gonna die |
Lafayette shows up for work and has flashbacks about hating Sookie over her little yellow car. Oh hai JesusDemon! He makes an appearance and rips apart the hood. Bad things are gonna go down soon.
Alcide visits the residence of Debbie’s parents to tell them the truth about what became of her. He’s so damn professional he sounds like he could be a doctor. Also, he’s hot, just saying *shrugs*. He tells them that Marcus, the previous (and dead) Packmaster of Shreveport was the one who murdered her, due to her resistance to get in a relationship with him. Alcide tells them how he broke Marcus’s neck with his own hands when he found out what happened. Debbie and Alcide were apparently a teenaged dream until everything went south. Debbie’s dad wants to kill Alcide, but her mother tells him to leave. Probably for the best, for some reason I imagine that house to smell like bologna.
Sookie is driving her yellow car when the breaks appear to fail. She flies down the road and her car smashes into a tree, but she barrel rolls out of the car in time. Sigh. Let’s take a moment of silence to mourn that cute little car. We cut to Terry and Pat, who are continuing their search for their friend they believe to be setting the fires that have killed so many of their other squad mates. Terry flashes back to their time in Iraq, where the squad celebrates the 4th of July with booze and drugs in a Muslim prayer tower, like all red blooded Americans. Way to represent the US guys. They start tripping balls as bombs explore over the city. An angry local confronts their watchout guy because dude, weak. The guard opens fire and shoots the local, so everyone inside runs out to join the fray that’s beginning. The dead man’s family comes upon the scene and understandably start freaking out, so the soldiers decide the best course of action is to waste them all, women and children included. America rules, fuck yeah!
Sookie makes it home and heads straight for the liquor cabinet. Atta girl! That redeems her. A bit.
According to Sheriff Andy, Debbie’s parents have told him to call of the search for her. Andy’s not buying it, and he wants to get to the bottom of things. He’s planning on obtaining a search warrant from the judge who ones him one so they can go dig around the properties near where Debbie’s abandoned car was found. Hi Jessica! She super speeds into the room to talk to the sheriff about the case, and glamours him into closing it instead. I really really need to be able to do this.
Pam wakes up in the basement of Fangtasia, and Eric comes in. He tells her that searching for Russell is a suicide mission, because either Russell or the Authority will take them out once it’s all said and done. While she wants to join him, Eric refuses and tells her he wants to release her. As his only progeny, he wants his legacy to live on after his imminent death. Pam accepts, and they go through with it. It’s like a really sad break up, and there may have been some tears happening here. He tells her she was born into greatness through the line of Godric and since she is now a maker their blood will thrive. Tara has some big shoes to fill.
Jason, the aforementioned judge, and Andy climb into a limo with some hot chicks and are promptly blindfolded to head to a “club”. Seems like this will end well!
At Bill’s house, he and Jessica search for bugs, and she questions him on his kingship. He says he is still king but he’s wearing a really stupid leather jacket. He finds a burnt joint and Jessica admits to having people over; he says it’s cool but get better weed next time. And now I kind of like him again despite the jacket, what is this season doing to me? Jessica suggests that Bill visit Sookie because she’s been through so much lately, and is falling apart and needs him. He tells her to take care of herself and not worry about Sookie, and then gets all fatherly with Jessica which is kind of adorable as much as I hate to admit it.
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| Wasn't me! |
Salmon and Roman come to Nora to try one last time to break her and discover who the rat in the Authority is. She tells them to “fuck off” again, despite all the torture they’ve put her through, and says that she doesn’t even care if they kill Bill and Eric now. Need to kill a vampire? Roman has an app for that and is ready use it. Nora finally breaks and spills her guts on the promise of their continued safety.
The party boys have arrived at the club, which appears to be run by fairies since they have to walk through an invisible wall in a field to get there. This explains the blindfolds. Once inside, it’s basically the definition of hedonism, with naked people dancing all over the place, doing acrobatics and all kind of crazy shit. There are half naked boys too though so we’re all good. Jason takes off with one of the ladies and Andy finds the chick he banged that one night in the woods. Looks like that’s in the cards again, but gross.
At Sookie’s house, she’s drunk alone and singing her own lyrics to If You Like Pina Coladas, which are actually kind of funny. I don’t know what’s happening to me anymore. Lafayette calls her, having come upon Sookie’s wrecked car, and starts to realize he probably had something to do with it. Alcide shows up to find a drunk Sookie, and lets her know that he saved her ass again by lying to the Pelts about what happened to Debbie. She begs his forgiveness and they start boozing it up together.
Pat and Terry are on a compound searching for their old squad mate when they find an underground bunker of craziness. It looks like some serial killer pad, with scribbly drawings all over the walls. He finds them before they do, and he’s not only crazy, he’s armed.
Sam shows up to the shifter meet and greet, only to find his buds sitting at a table, gunshot wounds to the head. No more naked forest runs for that club I suppose.
Pam wakes a typically surly Tara, and has brought her breakfast in the form of Melanie. Tara’s having issues eating people, but Melanie is totally down, and although Tara doesn’t want to, Pam commands her to feed and guides her through it so she doesn’t kill breakfast. Tara seems to finally start enjoying being a vampire, which is good because poor Tara needs some fun in her life already.
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| But I look so innocent! |
Back at the Authority, Roman has called another table meeting and whips out his stake, so obviously he knows the identity of the rat. He prowls around the table being all menacingly, but at least he’s not yelling. Someone comes in with a laptop, which Roman places in front of Damienpire, aka Chancellor Drew, and asks him to explain a video he has in his possession. It’s of him berating and eating a person, and he explains it away as a memento and that he’s sure everyone present has fed on a human at some point despite their current stance. Now Roman’s yelling. Damienpire apparently sent the video to the Sanguinistas and told them he was on their side though, so the volume is at least appropriate in this case. RIP Damienpire…Roman stakes the hell out of him for his treachery.
Drunk Sookie is still serving Alcide drinks, and I’m sure clothes will start coming off soon. Sookie is finally realizing everyone hates her so she’s just gonna basically be a drunk now. She tells Alcide she knows he’s in love with her, he says screw you, and then, well, they start doing just that. Bill is creeping outside her house watching and Eric shows up to tell him to quit being a weirdo and to help him find Russell already instead. Bill says that they need Sookie to help find him, and though Eric says that she wants nothing to do with them, Bill says they shouldn’t give her the choice. And…back on my shit list. That was fast.
At the fairy club, Jason’s getting down with one of them when she reads his mind and tells him he’s thinking of a vamp instead of her. Burn. Jason’s cousin Hadley is a server there now, and since she’s been gone for ages they greet each other happily. I suddenly miss Queen Sophie-Anne. Hadley wonders why Jason isn’t a refugee here, and he finally realizes that this is a “fairy safe house” of sorts. She wants them to get Sookie and bring her here so she’s safe from the vampires, who will do anything for fairy blood. Hadley insists that they will kill her like they did Jason and Sookie’s parents. Another fairy forces her off as Jason realizes that his folks weren’t killed in a flood like he’d thought his whole life. Jason and Andy get into a kerfuffle with the fairies, and get tossed out by a couple studly male fairy bodyguards, who then end up back in the field and get microwave finger treatment.
Tune in tomorrow for this week’s edition!
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