We start back with a drunken Sookie and Alcide getting busy. I think every episode should start with him shirtless; I’ll let them know. They make it up to her room, and as he tells her he’s waited so long for this, she pukes all over him. Eric and Bill stand in the doorway and lol. I don’t think that’s the kind of bad thing he wanted to do with you, Sookie.
At Lafayette’s, he freaking out about the demon that keeps popping up, and at just the worst times too. He begins praying to the religious statues he has in his room, who then begin waving around like they’re suddenly made of Jello and insulting him. They were kind of adorable. He breaks them all and begs to Jesus (that’s his boyfriend, not Jesus-Jesus) for some help.
In the Underground Bunker of Insanity, Pat and Terry are tied up by their crazy ex-squad member, Eller. He asks them if anyone followed them there to which they say no, and goes off to presumably bake cupcakes. That’s what crazy guys do, right? Cupcakes?
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| Now with added iron! |
Jason is dreaming and seems to have be transported back to his childhood. Baby Sookie and his parents are there, and he’s wearing amazing footie PJs. That may be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Breakfast takes a turn for the worst when both his parents spout holes in their necks and begin gushing blood into their Special K. He gets understandably upset, so his mom offers him sex, or even just a BJ. He wakes, picks up the ringing phone and demands to know what year it is, and is relieved to hear it’s still the present.
Andy is naked, again, but this time he’s crashed out on Arlene’s couch. His ringing phone wakes her baby so she yells at him, and he answers and is called away somewhere. Butt count: 1.
Sookie’s sobered up and is being propositioned by Eric and Bill to help unglamour one of Alcide’s employees, who apparently unwittingly helped to dig up Russell. Alcide says “hell no” they all start fighting like usual, and Sookie just hears them as barking dogs then breaks down into what is either laughter or tears at the table. I can’t ever tell with her. She laments the fact that nothing is ever going to change and that this is her life. She’s going to be a vampsnack for the rest of her days. She resigns herself to it and agrees, and they leave to search for Russell.
Tara is looking smoking hot at Fangtasia, where Pam tells her that she will now be bartending here. Still surly but less crazy, she starts serving behind the bar and almost immediately starts eating a patron, which Pam puts a stop to by pinning her to the wall. Pam says she’s saved her life and “lent her some truly exquisite clothes” but that if Tara doesn’t knock that crap off and puts Fangtasia in danger again, her ass is grass. Or silvered. Whatever.
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| Where's Scrappy when you need him? |
Sookie Doo and the Gang (and a terrified looking Doug. Poor Doug!) are at some garage, where she asks Doug if she can read his mind. He says he remembers nothing, and she guides him through the memories of finding Russell. Sookie watches through Doug as a woman wearing an Authority necklace digs him up. Russell’s all gooey and looks like baby Voldemort for some reason. Now that would be a pair of villains who should get their own spin off! In your mind, do the Perfect Strangers intro with Russell and Voldy. This is my new happy place. Bill realizes that it was probably Nora, but Eric’s not ready to buy it yet.
In the silver jail, Nora is praying to Lilith and that creepy burned up dude next door is being a total weirdo. She ignores him and, looking at the video camera above her, starts insulting the watchers and saying that “we will rise up” etc etc. They fry her again, and we cut to Salmon, who instructs the guy doing the frying that he should let Bill and Eric know that they only have until dawn to locate Russell or their dominatrix harness will ‘aplode. Ruhrow!
Salmon heads to a secret room where Roman stares at a vial of blood in a pedestal and cries over killing Damienpire. She shuts him up by telling him that the Sanguinistas are gaining too much ground and that he should be throwing the religious base a bone, since they believe in all the old ritual despite Roman’s ascertain that it’s all just for show. He didn’t yell once! He’s been making progress.
Pat and Terry are tied up in the bunker, and decide that Eller is definitely the one running around and burning all their old friends. Eller comes back in and explains that he’s seen the fire first hand, and it actually chases people down, and that he saw the fire demon in the flames looking right at him. Oh great, another monster. This one’s an Ifrit, a being of smoke and fire. Eller and Terry start to flashback and freak out, and Terry remembers how there was one woman left alive, who Pat told him to kill. As he does, she curses them all with her last dying breath with the Ifrit. So dramatic! Sheesh.
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| Ok, maybe not this Ewok... |
At the shifter murder dinner party, Jason and the rest of the cops walk around and look at things. Jason has a flash of the two being his dead parents with fang marks in their necks. He pulls Andy aside and asks him what he remembers about the night club, and tells him it's a fairy refuge. Andy catches on very slowly and realizes that it’s true. He says he doesn’t care if the ladies are “fairies, or leprechauns, or freaking Ewoks” because he doesn’t want to mess up what he has going with Holly. I’m sorry, but if I stumbled into a strip club filled with Ewoks I would never leave. That is the height of entertainment. Sam gets interviewed by the cops about what happened, and tells them that the only “hinky” thing about the situation is that they’re all shifters.
Jessica wanders up to the bar at Fangtasia and they bond over issues with being newly born vampires. Things like mean ol’ makers, how True Blood is pretty gross, and how it will get easier and better. They decide to be girlfriends *squee*. Tara says she feels crazy in her head, and they bond over how it feels to be a vampire. This is all kind of cute, I’m glad Tara has a friend. They could get into some mischief!
The Mystery Machine drives down a dark road, while Bill says that he thinks Nora set this all up to hand them over to Russell. That doesn’t go over well. That tech girl from the Authority calls and lets them know that they’re gonna go boom at sunrise, so they should probably get on it already. Sookie tells Bill and Eric off when they try to make her wait outside, and they all head into the asylum they’ve pulled up to, including Doug. Poor Doug!
Jason and Andy are investigating the scene, while Jason seems to be headed back down the “screw all the vampires” path like when he joined the Fellowship of the Sun. Haven’t we gone down this path with him enough? I know that he’s just discovering that vampires may have killed his parents, but this wasn’t that exciting last time it happened.
The search for Russell continues in the asylum, with Sookie guiding them via Doug GPS. Poor Doug’s about to piss himself at this point. New York smells like piss and is full of angry people according to Eric, who’s trying to sooth the fact that Doug thinks he’ll die and miss getting there. He should write travel pamphlets. They come across a room full of dead bodies covered in rats.
Tara heads outside for a smoke, and the rate at which she can is really going rack her up a bill. Ugh there’s Hoytliner again, trying to get all hard core and sexy with Tara, but looking ridiculous instead. He wants to get snacked on, but Tara turns him down and then makes sexy eyes as he walks away.
In the insanity bunker, Terry is still back off in Iraq in his head, reliving the mass burning of all the innocent people they killed. He sees the Ifrit in the flames, comes back around, and admits it to Eller, who is glad to not be crazy. Well, I wouldn’t go that far guy. Terry says they’re sitting ducks and need to gtfo NOW, so Eller releases them from the chairs they were tied to. Pat knocks Eller out, and ties him up once he has, beliving what Terry was saying to be a ruse to get free. Outside, Terry keeps tripping balls over the Ifrit, which Pat explains it off as being jacked on drugs. He’s convinced Eller is the arsonist. Downstairs, the Ifrit appears and takes out Eller. Two more to go!
Lafayette wakes on his couch to Jesus’ severed head, mouth sewn shut, making creepy noises at him. Now Jesushead is in Lafayette’s mom’s room, who seems to understand with it’s trying to say and starts screaming for him to come upstairs.
Doug’s had enough in the asylum, and runs screaming into a room which starts a bunch of people chained to the ceiling to start screaming. The victims say that they get taken down the hall, and they head over to Russell.
Sam shows up at Luna’s house to tell her about their shifter friends and ask if they had any enemies. She has such nice eyelashes. Emma is still “having trouble sleeping” meaning she’s a puppy, so she tells Sam he needs to leave for the night. He promises to return tomorrow to check on them. As he leaves the house, a truck full of masked men in trucks appears yelling “hey shifters!” and shoots Sam, followed by Luna. She appears to die as Emma runs to her, but Sam screams at her to run and she puppies up just in time to make it out. The masked men have been taping the whole thing. I’m just going to come out and say it: what dicks! Jason had better not join those dudes.
Roman is going on about traitors in their midst again. He’s gathered them all to ask them once and for all: do we share the world with humans as they’ve been fighting to do, as equals, or do they go back into hiding? It changes to a voice over and cuts to Jason sitting and crying in front of his parents' graves. We then see the Scooby gang continuing to Russell’s room, and then back to Fangtasia where Tara and Jessica are getting down with some fangbangers in bathroom stalls. Roman is saying that they are slaves to their bloodlust if they let their desires to overcome common decency, and we see that Tara did take Hoyt up on his snack offer, which Jessica hears; they begin to kick the shit out of each other. Really Jess, even in the eyeliner you still want him? Come now. Roman is saying that they will fight the Sanguinistas and that the night is dark and full of terrors. I mean that the night will cleanse them of their sins, get out of here Melisandre! Wrong HBO show.
They finally make it to Russell, who is happy to see Sookie, while she calls him a psychotic piece of shit. Eric says haaaaay we’re going to kill you, and Russell quotes what Talbot would say (RIP) while buckhunting: give it your best shot. Alcide wolfs, Sookie screams, and we cut to credits.
Total # of Andy butts this episode: 1
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| Poor Doug :( |
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