Season 5, Episode 2: The Authority Always Wins
Since I’m starting a week late well just begin with “previously, on True Blood”: Sookie and Laffie mop up the aftermath of last season’s finale…with actual mops. Pam shows up to bitch and also wears “a Wal-Mart sweatsuit for y’all” while attempting to turn a partially de-brained Tara. The honorable Reverend Newlin pays a visit to a naked Jason (thank you Jebus, but seriously, move that goddamn door). Steve is apparently an out gay vampire now and is in lurv with Jason, who gives a resounding “no thanks broseph!” and makes him fly away by rescinding his glamoured invite. Jessica shows up and is really hot, but really annoying. Eric’s sister Nora is now in the mix, so of course they get busy. Thanks HBO, for again making the hottest guy in the cast act all incesty. Also, werewolves have gross funerals and Marines can set fires with their brains. Oh, and Russell Edgington escaped. Yay!
We pick up with FeralTara having a Sookie snack until Pam, as her maker, tells her to cut it out and confines her to the house. This is Tara once inside:
We pick up with FeralTara having a Sookie snack until Pam, as her maker, tells her to cut it out and confines her to the house. This is Tara once inside:
Cut to Bill, Eric, and Nora (gag) who are taken to some giant Authority compound thing. I don’t know, and there’s like a bank lobby happening here…honestly, once Bill comes on the screen my eyes kind of glaze over. Anyway. There’s a vampire called Salome that reminds me of Rhea Perlman in Cheers for some reason, I think it’s the hair. CarlaSalome slaps Nora; I like her already.
The werewolf funeral buffet continues, and Alcide refuses to partake and thus take over the pack. Martha is basically my mother-in-law, and reminds me so much of her I'm automatically scared. Feel for me, she’s cray.
Tara’s still tearing the shit out of everything; when she’s not doing that she’s crouching on furniture like a lunatic. Her hair looks pretty though.
San Francisco, 1905, Miss Pam is as fierce as ever and a madame in a brothel. Uh oh, dead hookers. Never a good sign! Present Pam tries to call Eric, but he’s all locked up with the rest of the three amigos in Silver Jail, where they all have a nice tanning session under some UV lights.
My MIL shows up at Luna’s house wanting to see her grandbaby Emma. Luna says gtfo, and then she and Sam argue about whether Emma will be a shifter or a wolf, and blah blah blah. She tells Sam he is not the baby daddy and the she knows what’s best. Because she’s obviously done such a bang up job up until this point.
Jason and Andy cruise and talk about chicks. For some god-awful reason Jason is sporting a thin moustache and pirate goatee. This…this has to go asap. They run across Debbie’s crashed car, in which Andy finds a vial of V and hands it over to Jason. One day at a time, Sherriff!
Reverend Newlin is back on the news circuit, and he wants you all to know that Jesus loves vampires. Bumper stickers with this on it, yes/yes?
Terry’s frying up some meat, which causes war flashbacks. Totally normal. Arlene comes in and catches him off guard so he throws her across the room and refuses to give any info up. He runs away, probably due to her horrible wig.
As Sookie booby traps her house, Lafayette decides to off FeralTara. I don’t know what kind of crazy grandma sweater he’s wearing, but I would like to know where he got it because I need one. Sookie talks Grandma Laffie out of killing Tara, but to be honest I’m with him. She's just no fun anymore.
Madame Pam is back in SF, walking around looking for crabs or something. She’s attacked by a terrible actor, but, pip pip! Eric shows up and puts him out of his misery. Eric looks absolutely ridiculous in his little hat and wee fluffy tie. All he’s missing is the monocle and he would be quite the proper little gentleman.
In the Silver Jail, we get a long winded story about the origin of vampires and their bible. Bill and Eric are tortured by having silver pumped via IV into their veins. Eric is told that Nora is dead, and the Authority vamps try to get Bill and Eric to turn on one another in between shots of silver.
Steve shows up at Jessica’s house and gets his groove on. Kind of adorable really. But he has ulterior motives: buying Jason off of Jessica. The bidding begins, they talk about Jason’s ass, and Jason’s ultimate price is 20 grand. Jessica says "just kidding lol!" They fight, Jessica wins, and she tells him and all the humans to get off her lawn.
We cut to Arlene, Patrick and Terry. Arlene tells them to fix this nonsense already, and Pat and Terry decide to track down who they think may be responsible for the fires. More hot Marines, yes please (see what I did there?).
Hoyt is living back home with Mama now, so Jason and his pirate facial hair visit to offer him a place to stay. Hoyt tells him to skedaddle and Mama is so excited she’s gonna bake Jason a pie.
At Luna’s house, Emma is being ornery and refusing to sleep, so Luna heads into her room only to find an adorable wittle wolf puppy in jammies. Tiny. Wolf. Jammies! Everyone say it with me: awwwww.
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| All my snuggles!!! |
Tara tells Grandma Lafayette and Sookie she’ll never forgive either of them, for their taste in sweaters and their terrible accents, respectively. As she bolts out the door, the silver mist gets in her eyes and she screams, so hey, at least we know that works in case Russell shows up.
Back at the Authority palace, Christopher Meloni is apparently Roman, the Vampire Pope. Vampope? Sure, we’ll go with that. Sharon Osbourne makes an appearance as they partake in a vampiric sacrament. Roman/Vampope again sends Nora to death. Please make it stick this time. He also runs down the list of stupid shit Eric and Bill have done, but he’s mercifully brief. He yells that he’s the Authority and I can tell he’s going to like reminding us of this fact. He asks the boys if they’re involved in the Sanguinist Movement, and they say “nope!” The counsel debates over whether to kill them or not, and as it’s really not looking good, Bill says he’ll offer them Russell for their lives.
The Reverend thanks you for your time.
In the midst of a bloody hospital room, we pan in to Russell lying on the bed looking all kinds of nasty. I think he’s supposed to look dried out but he reminds me of those lizard people in Skyrim instead. He makes gross noises and opens his eyes. Welcome back you crazy bastard!
Fun fact! This was the 50thepisode of the series.
The Reverend thanks you for your time.
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